“We Better Not Hear Those Dice Rolling”

Last year for Valentine’s Day, my wife bought me several naughty items from Spencer Gifts.   One of the items was a set of heart shaped, scented candles - one was a set of dice with various commands printed on one of the die, things like “Kiss my. . . ” or “Caress my. . . ” and body parts listed on the second die such as ”neck” or “back” or ”Surprise me!”.    You get the idea - roll’em and do what they tell you.

I’m sure you’ve seen something like these before, and in fact my set is pretty tame compared to some Penthouse versions I’ve read about over the years.  No commands on my dice rhyme with ‘duck’, for example. 

But they were fun gifts nonetheless - ALTHOUGH THEY’VE NEVER BEEN USED.  I’ve been married 18 years, foreplay usually consists of “Hey, do you wanna?”.  Plus, the dice don’t glow in the dark - major design flaw if you ask me.   

So, my youngest daughter (15) informed me over the weekend that she knew all about the dice.  Like the gig was up and the SWAT team was gonna come crashing through the door any minute now.

“You know huh?” I replied.  Truthfully, I’d forgotten I even had the things.

“Yes, I was there when Mom bought them.” she continued.   “She made us go to the other end of the store, but we knew what she was doing.  And for a year now my worst fear is that I will come downstairs by your bedroom and . . . . HEAR THE DICE ROLLING”

Thinking back to when I learned the ‘facts of life’, my first thought was “No way my parents did this.  They found a shortcut or something”.  I can only imagine the horror my daughter is describing.  And it makes me laugh . . . an evil laugh. 

But now as I think more on it, I better never come home and here any dice rolling from HER bedroom either!  Any of them!!  I’m no longer laughing. . . .

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