A gift for you as we prepare to enter another work week. Many moons ago, I described 8 bad habits I’ve encountered in public men’s rooms – such as auto-erogenous behavior, loud phlegm hacking or talking on your cell phone with the free hand. You can refresh your memory HERE if you like.
Well, the world hasn’t gotten better since I wrote that post. More deviant, rude and disgusting behavior has come to light so I feel obligated to give you the sequel to bad restroom behavior profiling;
- The Nudist – this is the guy who can’t use a urinal without dropping trow & exposing 85% of his naked body to the world while he pees. Kinda defeats the purpose of the zipper in front, doesn’t it Bonehead? Secretly is hoping someone thinks his ass is cute. No one does.
- The Spy – is a little TOO interested in activity over in your stall, or on your side of the divider. Probably feeling inferior . . . or looking for love in all the wrong places.
- The Squatter – essentially goes into a stall and moves in. Spreads out his newspaper, his briefcase, writes a few emails with the laptop, checks his fantasy football scores, adds a chapter to his novel. All with a line outside waiting for the first available toilet. Is actually homeless but doesn’t want his co-workers to know. . .
- The Analyst – shares his very personal observations while at the urinal. Hey, let’s face it – ANY discussions at the urinal must be carefully phrased but no one, I repeat NO ONE, needs an in-depth critique of your pee color, smell or any strange burning sensations you happen to be experiencing. Get to the free clinic, sicko.
- The Game Player – Starts & stops his peeing while making motor boat sounds. Has serious mommy issues. Is probably a serial killer.
- The Sloppy Germaphobe – a personal favorite of mine (NOT!). Is deathly afraid of catching Ebola in a public restroom so uses 15 layers of paper on his toilet seat and washes up like a surgeon preparing for open heart. Proceeds to leave wet toilet paper on the seat afterwards as well as a wadded towel on the door handle exiting the restroom – effectively setting a germ booby trap for those who follow. Nice job Typhoid Larry, way to think of anyone else.
As always, I may add a third installment to this list as inspiration hits me. I’m sure there’s still plenty of bizarreness out there to be documented.