Drug Fairies

I don’t think we’re winning the War on Drugs. Well, if we are, we’re winning it the same way we ‘won’ Vietnam.

It seems to me that too many people either want the drugs or want the easy money associated with the drug trade. I myself am kind of torn on the issue. I hate to see innocent people jailed or killed over what amounts to a personal choice (albeit a bad one). I’d also hate to have the streets filled with junkies sucking up the Medicare and welfare dollars. I WOULD rather see the prisons filled up with pedophiles and rapists and telemarketers. The REAL criminals. But I realize I must be realistic. The telemarketers would truly overcrowd the prisons, and they’re a most unruly lot.

I do have a suggestion that may help. I think, if we’re really, truly sincere about this ‘War on Drugs’ thingie, that we start by carefully choosing what terminology we use when referring to drug dealers and users. We want to send the correct message, right?

First off, I think we shouldn’t be calling anyone a ‘Drug Lord’ because it evokes mental images of some deep breathing character in a black helmet, strolling around menacingly with sinister background music. I think if we’re going to demonize the trade, we shouldn’t glorify such a position, we shouldn’t make it seem in any way appealing. So why not refer to them as perhaps ‘Drug Fairies’? I mean, they do seem to make the stuff magically appear, right? POOF, in a puff of smoke [sometimes literally]. But ‘fairie’ doesn’t sound so. . .sinister. Well, not sinister like I’m a badass. . .just sinister in a creepy ‘My Little Pony’ kinda way.

The government could run public service announcements featuring guys with scars wearing pink tutu’s, dancing around and waving their wands saying “Thay, hello to my little friend”. That puts a whole different spin on the ‘just say no’ schtick, doesn’t it! The demographic for people aspiring to be some sort of cartel kingpin would totally change orientation [no pun].

See. . .brilliant! A bullet-free solution to a global problem. And you heard it here first!

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