Pre-Ozzfest prayer

The Prince of Darkness is visiting my little corner of the woods tomorrow. In honor of this occasion, I offer. . .the pre Ozzfest prayer;

Oh God (of Thunder),

Keep me from loosing my tickets so I don’t have to pay for this ‘free’ concert, especially since I waited online for 3 hours to get these babies in the first place.

Grant me patience, as I wait for hours in line to enjoy the privilege of paying $10 for a beer and $50 for a t-shirt. May security be gentle. . . and a little nearsighted.

Allow my alcohol consumption to be less than that of Zakk Wylde (so that I may remain standing) but more than Ozzy’s in his current incarnation.

Please give me the intelligence and foresight to only shop or go for food during the sets of bands I never cared to see in the first place (not mentioning any names here). And the wisdom to know the difference.

Grant me the strength to stand for 14 hours in blistering 100 degrees heat and 1000 percent humidity, interrupted only on occasion by light spittles of rain and a falling crowd-surfer.

Forgive me my trespasses (backstage hopefully!) as I will forgive those cretins who mosh into me when I’m clearly in the ‘drinking section’ of the lawn.

Bless me Lord, with topless WOMEN – and please only those who in fact SHOULD be topless. And spare me, in your mercy, from hairy buttcrack or male genitalia.

Bestow only performances of quality and worth upon the masses, oh Lord – and let none suck. Let us all rock our respective asses off, and celebrate this occasion with frivolity, banging of heads and the aforementioned display of boobages.

May my hearing hold out, as I also ask my legs & bladder to. And perhaps my neck muscles as well.

And finally, may Ozzy actually grace us with his presence as you know he’s blown us off many times in the past. . . lest the apocalypse arrive early and then the sod & fences be damned!

Grant us these things, Oh Lord – and safetly return us home with ringing ears, sweaty clothes and bags full of loot to get us through until next year!

Amen.

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