Beer Champ

The wife & kids went camping last weekend, leaving yours truly on his own for a good 48 hours.  Plenty of time to get into trouble. 

By Saturday night, I had decided to go out, buy an 18-pack of Bud Light (enough for several nights, I reasoned), before finally deciding to go visit some friends at a nearby Mexican restaurant.  I could drink the beer later when I got home, I thought to myself.  No point in staying out too late etc.

So I show up at the bar, have a few LARGE beers with my friends who work there, and watch some of the college football games that were playing.  At about beer 3, I decide it would be safer to have them call me a cab, so I didn’t have to worry if I was over the limit to drive or not.  Ten dollar cab fares are typically a lot cheaper than court costs & potential loss of life, if you know what I mean.

It’s at about this moment that the bartender tells me about a guy they call ‘Beer Champion’.  Inquiring, I am told this man drank SIX one-liter beers the other night in a single sitting – thus being ‘unofficially’ crowned the restaurant’s champion (at least by those in and around the bar).  That’s six of the same size beers of which I had already had 3 – or as the bartender put it “hey, you’re already half way there”.  You can see where this is headed, I think.

Yes, old fool that I am I decided this man needed to be dethroned.  I announced (loudly, like I do everything) my intentions & forewarned all nearby patrons of the night’s impending festivities.  I worked out a plan to leave my car until the next afternoon, and to take that cab home.  And so it began. 

Now, I am not advocating extreme alcohol consumption or reckless behavior to anyone.  This story is more of a sad warning, not a blueprint to be followed, mmmk?  Read and laugh, but don’t think I’m trying to say this is cool to do.  I’m an idiot, just thought I’d put the proof out there in case it helps someone else.

So anyways, at three beers I felt pretty normal.  It was a lot of beer, but nothing I couldn’t handle.  At 4 1/2 beers, I had my picture taken flashing devil horns and feeling like my face could literally be sliding off my skull.   At 5 beers I began to realize the insane gravity of what I was attempting. . . and my math skills warned that this was a truly ridiculous amount of brew to imbibe.  Midway thru beer number 6, it occurs to me that I will be peeing until the following Friday.  Probably vomiting until then as well.

Details beyond that point. . . . well, they get sketchy.  I awoke in my own bed, with a hangover large enough to drop an elephant, the 18 pack of beer sitting unopened on the staircase.  My car was nicely parked in the driveway.  I spent the day praying for death & cursing myself for totally wasting what could have been a great opportunity to watch unending streams of horror movies, instead of living one.  It literally caused excruciating pain to change channels with the remote, so I sat rubbing my belly and moaning.  I ate one slice of pizza all day. . . well, let’s just say that didn’t end well.

Fear not true believers, my stone sober friends had driven me home after they got off work, followed by a second car to take them on to their own destinations for the evening.  I was safely walked thru my doorway, apparently babbling concern that I didn’t drive. . . and that the 18 pack of beer didn’t get left behind.   Borderline socially responsible but frugal to the end – that’s me.

As of this writing, I now am the unofficial Beer Champion – 7 liters deep.  If anyone wants the title, they can have it.  Potential alcohol poisoning and dialysis are not worth trying that feat ever again.   Not to mention that I for one don’t have enough brain cells to be throwing them away. 

Moral of the story – if you EVER think that trying this kind of stunt would be ‘Fun’, please think again.  Your liver will thank you, and so will your fellow bar patrons.  Don’t let your ego get the better of you. . . or your bowels just might.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pee. . .

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2 Responses to “Beer Champ”

  1. tabby says:

    the title said it all, i had to read this one too…good job champ! i’m surprised that this story didn’t reach my ears sooner. lol

  2. RevMortis says:

    You didn’t hear about it sooner because I was too busy laying on the couch, groaning. Hard to talk much that way.

    When I say “we all make bad decisions”, now you have an example of which to remind me. Until I get more dirt on you. . . . ;>

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