I’ve never read Meyer’s books so I can’t address the ‘purists’ who froth & moan that their beloved novel was ruined by director Catherine Hardwicke and/or screen scribe Melissa Rosenberg. To me, it was a good teen movie and adequate family viewing. I’ve cringed through worse for the entertainment of my daughters.

It did attempt to modify the vampire legend a bit, which I always find interesting. . . y’know, to see how different artists perceive that venerable archetype, but nothing that will spawn a host of imitators.

From a casting standpoint, Kristen Stewart as Belle & Robert Pattinson as Edward (DESPITE the Jimmy Neutron Hair) are charismatic & create an interesting chemistry between their characters. Secondary players are interesting (The Cullen family as a whole is a bizarre walk through Never-Neverland) and main baddie Cam Gigandet as James is scary enough to discourage dating (something for the dads out there).

The many, many reviewers complaining about the horrible hair & make-up effects – well, they’re right. Every vampire is instantly recognizable as it comes into scene by the atrocious amount of pancake they’re wearing, and I’ve seen better hairdos in a wind tunnel in Chicago – but hey, what do I know of fashion? There is a lot of use of contact lenses to establish a ‘supernatural’ feel to the vamps but little use of fangs, interestingly.

As a whole, go into the film with an eye towards who the target demo was – you’ll be pleasantly surprised even if you don’t fit it.  IMDB viewers currently have it at 5.7 (so call it 6) out of 10. That seems about fair to me, all things considered.

Hayden Christensen plays David Rice, a young man who discovers he has this ability and proceeds to be a selfish prick with it by stealing truckloads of money from bank vaults when he’s not zipping around the planet so he can have lunch in Rome or take a nap on Mt. Kilimanjaro.  And this guy is our story’s hero?

After setting out to impress an old girlfriend (played by Rachel Bilson) with his newfound douche-iness, Rice discovers that an ancient order called the Paladins have been attempting to wipe out his kind since the Middle Ages, and have some slick weaponry on their side to do so.  Not to mention Samuel L. Jackson, in a surprisingly profanity free performance (and white hair!).

Heavy use of CGI ensues while we are flashed around the globe as Rice and fellow jumper Griffin (Jamie Bell – channeling a geeky Sean Penn) alternately compete to see who can be the bigger dipshit, or try to find Rice’s estranged mother (Diane Lane in a wasted role) while occasionally fighting Paladins led by Jackson’s character Roland.

So I guess the moral of the story is “Super Powers Make SUPER Assholes”.  While I found the movie entertaining and the special effects were great to watch, every character seemed shallow and generally unlikable, such that I ultimately didn’t give a damn who lived or who died.

On IMDB.com, a viewer commented on a scene that struck me as fairly indicative of the movie as well; Rice is watching the news and sees live footage of flooding victims stranded on their vehicles.  The news commentator is asking something to the effect of “how will these people ever get saved?” and Rice, instead of blipping over their to save the day like Batman, nonchalantly turns off the TV.  Ass!

I think that makes a powerful statement on characterizations in the film, and perhaps even the generation it portrays.  Shiftless, morally bankrupt and self absorbed, even tremendous abilities cannot change the lacking character or the sense of entitlement each of the Jumpers espouse.  Sadly I was left visually impressed but with no desire to read the book or delve into the backstory further.

It was fun however to dream a little naughty dream of self-indulgence with Rice, as any of us would probably succumb at least in part to those same temptations.  But as a comicbook raised & fed adult, I know if it were me, I’d have become more of a Bruce Wayne type than the brooding, socially inept Rice.

And I’d have had a bevy of strippers and porn stars in my little black book too.  After all, what good are super powers if you can’t put them to good use?

Give this one 6 skulls out of 10 – mostly due to impressive cinematography rather than substantive storytelling.

The story concerns a Danish king in the year 500-ish A.D. (voiced by Anthony Hopkins), who has a rip roaring kegger in his spiffy new party house crashed by the horribly mutated (and hungry) Grendel (Crispin Hellion Glover – yes, Hellion).  Grendel proceeds to tear folks limb from limb and drag a few back to his cave for later dining.  The Danes don’t have anyone man enough to fight the beast (despite John Malkovich’s character Unferth being SUPPOSEDLY the local hero) , so they close said party house and put out a reward to anyone ELSE who can do the job for them.

Along comes Beowulf (Ray Winstone, who is aided the most by the animation of his character) and his merry men from across the sea – full of boasts, wanton sexual frustration and a desire for gold.  They offer to do the deed, and talk the king in to re-opening Party Central in the process.  After a WEIRD bit of nude fighting on the part of Beowulf (don’t ask), Grendel has his arm ripped off and runs back to his mountain abode.  Beowulf and co. follow where the hero finishes off the beast. . . and it’s sexy, gold dripping mother (Angelina Jolie).  Or so he says.  Move ahead a few decades, and a grey haired beowulf finds that sins of his past have created a new problem. . . and once again he must don shield and loincloth to save the kingdom.

The animation is done via motion tracking CGI-type goodness over the actual actors, which was used effectively by Zemeckis for “The Polar Express”.  But unlike that film, here the characters look emotionless and unblinking.  It is the countryside and village which are truly the show stealers, as the camera glides over realistic looking trees, or dips down to scour above the smooth rocks along a river.  And stuff is constantly trying to poke you in the eye, not like the old days of 3-D where 1 or 2 good scenes were all you got in a movie.  In ‘Beowulf’, literally every scene has gorgeous graphics and well designed multi-layers of foliage and natural artifacts.

The story, although written by the very capable duo of Neil Gaiman (“Stardust”) & Roger Avary (“Pulp Fiction”), is simplistic, often violent and chock full of innuendo.  Hey, I liked it but this ain’t ‘Sophie’s Choice’, mmmmk?   And frankly, considering the epic poem on which it’s based, I think the narrative finds a nice compromise of attempted loyalty to the tale, at least it’s backbone, while still managing to pander to it’s adolescent audience.

Definitely go see this one, as it offers a nice glimpse of the future of film-making, where expensive actors and lavish sets will be stored on hard drives.  Ten years from now, as technology allows for faster rendering times on animated production, not every story will come off this cartoonish and lacking in dramatic depth (despite being voiced by heavy weights such as Malkovich and Hopkins).

Perhaps that is truly the story that Beowulf tells us – one of our own cinematic destiny.