HOWEVER, if you’re not me (as most of you aren’t) AND you are within driving/flying/teleporting distance of Rutland Ohio (in scenic & fragrant Meigs County), you could catch a show most awesome.  Check it – an assload of bands will be playing at Skatopia including the mighty GWAR – say it with me now – GWAR!, as well as Green JELLO, Psychostick and the legendary Murphy’s Law.  Go HERE for a complete band listing & other sordid details of the affair.  NOTE: Psychostick is playing during the Green Jello set – so if you caught the Parental Advisory tour, this is likely to be a different & instantly memorable event.

And thanks to The J, self proclaimed Guitar Ninja for Psychostick, for letting me know the skinny on the whole deal so I could share it with you meat sacks.  Sadly I’m already committed or I would gladly make the sojourn to see that line-up!  So I leave it up to you, my crazed minions, to infest the event & report back properly on the wanton destruction that ensues.

In that spirit, here’s the karaoke version of ‘Two Ton Paperweight’ by Psychostick.  Enjoy!

What does this mean? Well, stuff is on sale at Slayer.net (blah blah text 666 from your cellphone for 10% off etc.) so check that out if you’re so inclined. Otherwise, I suggest blasting a little “South Of Heaven” from the ole’ car stereo.

Sleep well, Peter – you will be missed.

So anyhow, yeah – $100 mil.  ‘Cause nothing reinforces your continued public insistence that you’re not a drug fiend (anymore) like a frivolous money-grabbing lawsuit.

One might point out to Ms. Lohan that another Linsey was making a name for herself long before anyone had seen Mean Girls. [Careful with that link, definitely NSFW].

First up, Slash is releasing a different single from his new self-titled album, opting to go with Wolfmother’s Andrew Stockdale singing “By The Sword” over Ozzy singing a little ditty called ‘Crucify The Dead’. Seems there was concern that Ozzy singing for Slash might confuse listeners about Ozzy’s own new upcoming release. Cause we’re all stupid, don’t ya’ know?

Then there’s news that had my twins all astir – Phil LaBonte of All That Remains is filling in temporarily with Killswitch Engage. So yeah, they’re effectively PHILswitch right now. Would love to see that actually, BUT OF COURSE – this won’t be happening anywhere near Columbus, Ohio. Anyhow, here’s hoping that Hojo can resume his rightful place with Killswitch soon.

And most cryptically, Dragonforce released a statement saying they’d parted ways with vocalist ZP Theart (a name that will remove all saliva from your mouth when you say it). Quicker than you can say “fire that intern” the statement was pulled down from the site, but you can still enjoy it word for word HERE (Drat that Google!). Sounds like someone FORGOT to tell ZP first. . . don’t ya’ hate it when that happens? Truthfully, I’d hate to see him go so here’s hoping that egos can be sedated & the boys can get back to playing faster-than-fuck metal.

Since the Rim of Hell staff are all huge Maiden fans, we couldn’t help but pass this along to the masses. What? You’d have laughed at the idea of The Who doing a Superbowl halftime too, at a point in time not so long ago. So why not Bruce & the boys in 2012, right?

Here’s the link. Up the Irons!

According to the post, Roxxy is similar to a Realdoll but also has voice recognition software and even a primitive AI.   Hmmm, so she’s on par with some ex’s, but I digress.

What crazy Doug doesn’t mention is Roxxxy . . . well, looks pretty freakin’ creepy. I mean, she might give ya’ wood if you’re into corpses, but otherwise I think that $7000 would be better served buying A WHOLE ASSLOAD of Margaritas on any given Friday night in your local singles bar. And your chances of getting a warm-blooded sex partner would be 10-fold greater than it ever will be if you allow a silicone sex zombie to reside in your closet. Tough to get laid once your partner sees “the other woman” needs to be charged regularly and swabbed out after use.

Look, I’m an open minded guy but this definitely leans towards deviant behavior, the kind that makes your ancestors haunt you from beyond the grave. Or as my buddy Steve said when he sent me this link (thanks dude!) – “Hasn’t God destroyed entire cities for less?”.

My wife, on the other hand, thinks this is a prototype for Cherry 2000, so maybe she’ll let me spring for a buxom brunette “anniversary gift”?  But who am I kidding, with my luck the doll would hook up with the toaster and I’d still be left out in the cold.

Keeping you in our hearts & prayers, Ronnie.  Get better and keep the dreams a comin’.

My second bitch (if I may) is the new DVD release ‘Live Xecution – Party San 2008′.  Professional footage, remixed sound yadda yadda.  Where the HELL is ‘Cause of Death’??  ONLY THE BEST OBITUARY SONG EVER??  Dammit.

Still, this trailer fucking rules.  I’ve had the pleasure of meeting everyone in this band & I can tell you they are genuine, crazy-ass muthas that have always been decent to their fans.  Plus, dude – what other band works the long haired, survivalist look like these guys??  No one, I tell ya’.  Badass.