The Pit Barrier – This is the group of guys who like being around the pit, but are smart enough not to get bounced into it. They block the more sedate concert folk from the frothing fiends that are knocking the shit out of each other in the pit itself.  My good friend Steve goes here almost every show.  Aside from him, this is a dubious group – some are good guys who don’t want to see anyone get hurt, & some are assholes too chickenshit to actually go in themselves (but not above taking a cheap shot every now & again at someone else).  Two thoughts here – First, if you go into a show with the intention of hurting someone else, you shouldn’t even have come out (you should probably be in jail).   Second, like everything else with concerts, know your surroundings & don’t wander into places you have no business being.

The Drinking Section – I’ve alluded to this in the past.  Anywhere near the soundboard, and sometimes even in the back portions of the floor, where folks are standing around with huge cups of beer – is the Drinking Section.  This is NOT THE PLACE TO DANCE AROUND LIKE A NINNY!  Let that sink in a second – this is NOT the pit.  You wanna mosh?  Get in the pit!  You wanna drink?  Stand your ground!  But do NOT be a wuss & act all tough. . . and then start pushing your buddies around in the Drinking Section.  You might as well put a sign on your back stating “I’m a Dumbass”, because that’s what everyone near you is thinking.  And yes, eventually the badass Biker who’s wearing his own beer will kick your ass!  So save your aerobics for the gym, eh Barbara?

Last one for tonight is the Whore-Us Line – This is a mostly Glam band phenomenon I’m noticing.  These are the tarted up ladies that line-up around the stage, singing EVERY word to EVERY song, in between flashing their boobs and crying like drunken banshees.  Bands love them and male audience members will always attempt to hit on them (failing miserably).   The girls themselves will end their evening one of two ways:  The whole crew ends up backstage due to an invite from some nefarious looking roadie or they end up fighting amongst themselves (which of course, is HOT!).  Word to the wise – if you didn’t come to the venue with them, stay clear.  They will drink too much, and then turn on anything & everything around them.  Avoid their siren’s call.

Ok, enough for one evening.  More wisdom to be dispensed as I feel like it. 

At that time, there was an ad campaign running on sites like Technorati for a group calling itself P.A.R.M.M. – Parents Against Reprehensible Metal Music. Indeed. I would count myself amongst them for I too hate REPREHENSIBLE metal (a LOT of 80’s ballads fell into this category, imho) but as the story goes these ads were actually a bait & switch campaign for the Toyota Matrix. By that I mean you click on the banners and instead of seeing a modern day witchburning site, you are being hard sold on the advantages of a foreign subcompact for your teens. David Meerman Scott tells about it best on his site HERE.

Ok then, ha ha – shame on us for thinking it might be a real group. It was all some dishonest marketing blah blah – but wait. A site for P.A.R.M.M does indeed exist, even to this day (HERE) – albeit with sparse content & only a generic email address for contact. Maybe they are for real? Could it be – is anyone really that abysmally ignorant?

Regardless, I encourage you to check out the ramblings of Gladys Montgomery and her bake sale cronies over at P.A.R.M.M. for a good chuckle. If it’s more of Toyota’s tricks then they’ve more cleverly buried their motives this time around. But if it IS for real. . . that’s just pathetic.

Be sure to check out their ‘Public Enemites’ list (that I aspire to be added to). Currently Marilyn Manson holds the top spot, but there are a few surprises like Saxon & Tygers of Pan Tang also making the list. What, no Gorgoroth!?! No Marduk!?!? No Vital Remains!?!?! And these gals call themselves a watchdog group!! Not even a single Black Metal band on the radar. Blatant devil worship and misogyny runs rampant in the lyrics of an entire subgenre while these dipshits are targeting – Saxon!?!

Way to waste the bandwidth, Gladys! Well done. . .

Ok, that translates to my buddy Steve’s Rule #1 of Getting Through Life – “Don’t Be A Dumbass”.  Cuts to the point, that boy does.

Yeah, I know those signs are legally necessary but they crack me up everytime.  Like ‘moshing’ is a weather event -it just MIGHT happen.  I can hear the announcer now.  “We have an 80% chance of a mosh tonight at the Lamb of God show” or ” negative 98% chance of moshing tonight at Nationwide arena, Neil Diamond is playing.  No one is quite sure how or when it will happen, but by gosh it does”.  By gosh, there’s a mosh (I should patent that saying).

Perhaps we need Mosh Doppler radar or something - y’know, to help the socially impaired who don’t know any better than to waltz out onto the floor while the Cro-Mags are laying it down like molten sludge at a steel mill.   Or anyone stupid enough to unknowingly stand DIRECTLY in front of the stage for Overkill (The rule with Overkill is if you can see Bobby’s nipples, you’re in a heap of shit).

Look, it’s lawyers who make venues put up a sign like that.  Not Metalheads, most of us LIVE for a good pit at the show.  Just know the risks.  Crowd surfing over concrete can introduce you to laws of physics you only dreamed of.  And perhaps medical procedures as well.

We all do stupid stuff.  There’s a reason I now stand in the Drinking Section of a show (yes, there’s a drinking section.  It’s usually behind the soundboard) & not down with you crazies.  Ever since Anthrax had that brief reunion with Joey, and they played ‘Indians’. . . and none of the young kiddies knew how to do the Wardance. . . .well, I got involved.  And 30 minutes later, when trying to LEAVE the pit, I got pummeled onto my ass by some douchebag on the perimeter.  Elbow’s never been the same – thus it’s now my Anthrax elbow.  A gentle reminder to. . . .all together now. . .

DON’T BE A DUMBASS!

I should probably also add that I disagree with points on both of those links.  My own rules are no more definitive than anyone else’s, but I like to think that my roughly 30 years of concert going experience means something (other than just that my ears ring a lot).   Still, consider these as just rules of thumb.  Ok, so here’s my take:

First off, in the Metal community it’s best to wear the most obscure, yet badass t-shirt that you own to a  show.  The more corporate the concert you’re attending, the less obscure your shirt needs to be as obscurity is relative, but to a really underground show – you best bring out your hard won Ebay treasures. 

Wearing a Nickleback T-shirt to an Amon Amarth show, for example – might get you an assbeating.  Wearing Amon Amarth to Nickleback will get you a few knowing nods from other more experienced metalheads in attendance.  It’s really kind of an art form, matching the appropriately kickass shirt to the audience & show you’re going to.  I actually know a guy who brings 3 shirts with him, changing throughout the show – especially if someone has the same shirt on that he has.  Probably taking things a bit far, no?

Wearing a t-shirt of the same band (or bands) of the concert you’re attending is generally a no-no unless you have a few extraordinary circumstances.  Wearing an older tour shirt of the current band is acceptable in some situations (depends on the band, really) as it can mean “Hey, I saw these guys back in the day”.  Iron Maiden fans, for example, often appreciate that you saw the Powerslave tour when going to their shows now. 

Another reason it could be ok is if the shirt you own is rare in some way.  Autographed shirts, although technically rare, shouldn’t be worn.  It makes you look like a self-important prick to wear an autograph.  Aside from that, it’s best to advertise some OTHER band to the masses, kinda helping to spread the word.

I never wear a shirt I just bought at the current show, instead preferring to tie it to my belt and use it almost like a kilt.  I think wearing the new shirt AT THE SHOW just looks dumb, especially if you’re wearing another shirt under it.  At Blue Oyster Cult, however – I broke this rule bigger than shit.  I liked the ‘More Cowbell’ shirt so much, I put it on immediately.  I probably helped the band sell a lot of shirts that day as I walked the crowd & people are like “where did you get that shirt?”.  I only needed to point to the merch table & they skipped off like Dorothy to see the Wizard.  Like I said, these are rules of thumb.

If going to a metal show, do NOT wear a golf shirt, or a dress shirt, or anything trendy to the normal public.  Really, act like you’ve been to a concert before – even if you haven’t.  Metalheads don’t suffer fools well & you could really regret trying to “look good for the chicks”.  Besides, metal chicks have a different idea of what looking good is.

After the concert, feel free to wear your new swag whenever.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with showing people that you attended a given concert & many folks may stop you to ask your opinion.  The two week rule?  Psshaw.

So there you have it, or at least the finer points that come to mind.  I’m sure I’ll get the disagreeing emails & that’s fine.  To each his own.  But if you are stupid enough to wear your favorite Emo band to see Manowar. . . well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

While at the concert, I saw another gentleman about my age also wearing the same shirt.  In heavy metal, t-shirts are viewed one of two ways – you either wear the shirt of a band at the show, to advertise that this isn’t your first time seeing them or who you’re really here to support (kind of bragging).  OR, you wear the shirt of a band NOT at the show, to kind of educate the unclean about some band that you’d rather be attending (kind of metal snobbery).  The true elistist (such as myself on occasion) will wear the most obscure, unheard of, unsigned piece of backwoods Euro-noise just to truly sharpen that point to a nice gleam.  Maybe because they have a cool logo.  Maybe because the shirt was on sale at some headshop.

It’s not uncommon to see folks, American’s mind you, with a shirt like Burzum, which HAS to be bought in a store seeing as how the sole member of that band (Varg) is in a prison in Norway for murder and has never toured.  Not in OHIO at least.  So you see that this whole thing can get carried away.

Anyhow, wearing the EXACT SAME shirt as another guy is pretty much like showing up at the Prom with the same dress as another woman.  But as men, we handle it differently.  Rather than sulk, we usually greet one another because, well after all, we both appear to have great taste in shirts, right?

So, this gentleman and I began talking, and I soon discovered he had some friends accompanying him, and they all began telling me this little story.  It seems this motley crew (no, not THEE Motley Crue) had a tendency to shout out “GOATWHORE” during concerts.  As they explained it to me, they’d shout out “GOATWHORE” before the main act in hopes that the headliner would be as good as . . .you guessed it, Goatwhore.  And if the headlining act failed to impress, they’d continue to shout out “GOATWHORE” to somehow, someway invoke Goatwhore into appearing, slaying all of the currently performing band’s members, and then transforming the dismal set into a blistering performance of thrashing, black metal goodness.  Ok, I added that last part but the truth is not much more realistic, or sensible. 

There didn’t seem to be a contingency plan for if the headlining act was actually GOOD, so I quipped how this was some kind of black metal “Freebird” ritual.   The little group denied this vehemently but to be honest, even now as I write this I don’t see much difference between yelling out “GOATWHORE” or “FREEBIRD”.  Heckling is heckling.

They went on to explain how they’d gone to see Dope three times this year at the Alrosa Villa.  Each time, they said it ended with them chanting “GOATWHORE” at Edsel Dope, causing everything to deteriorate into threats of violence and on one occasion, Edsel screaming at them from the stage “Thanks for ruining the first show of the new tour” and slamming down his mike.

However exaggerated their prevarications, and the gleeful ignorance in their voices, I found myself appalled.  I dislike hecklers, unless it’s me, in which case it’s brilliant observations offered for consumption of the masses within earshot.  In others, especially those who are actively seeking to disrupt a show, I have little regard.

I mean, they didn’t actually have to pay to see Dope all three times, if in fact they don’t even like the band!?  How stupid is that??  So, before I could stop myself, I pointed out that it was kind of a shame they chose that particular band to harass.

“You guys do realize”, I began “Dope was, by Rick Cautela’s own admission, the first band to call after the Damageplan shootings at the Alrosa.  Yeah ,they called the very next day and asked to be booked at the venue.  Because they knew Rick would need support.  I can’t really get behind giving them such a hard time.  Not that band.”

I’m paraphrasing but that was the jist.  And that was pretty much the end of our conversation, as I was no longer popular.  I had dared not see the fun, in their fun.

And I still don’t.  By their own words, they once told Louis Benjamin Falgoust II (current singer for Goatwhore) how they like to yell out his band’s name during concerts.  Louis replied “Is that good or bad?”  

Exactly Lou.  Exactly.